Myth 1: Some women just can't have orgasms.
While there are a percentage of women who have never had an orgasm, there is no evidence to suggest some women are incapable of having orgasms. There are two reasons why some women have not had orgasms in their lives. The first is that for whatever reason they have never masturbated. Masturbation is often a woman's first orgasm experience. The second is that they simply are not receiving the proper type of genital stimulation. Clitoral stimulation is needed by most women to have an orgasm. Without that stimulation, it most likely isn't going to happen. There are some women who have psychological blocks when it comes to experiencing sexual pleasure. This may be the result of any number of past events in their lives, but even that does not mean they are physically incapable of having an orgasm. If they worked through those problems, they would be able to engage in orgasm-producing intercourse just like any other woman.
Myth 2: Women take longer to reach orgasm than men.
This is another common myth which has not been supported by research. The reason people believe this is that they don't understand the female arousal pattern (we'll discuss this later in the book). Women's arousal patterns are much different than men's and, as a result, they are physically prepared for intercourse later than men are. The time from optimal arousal to orgasm is pretty much identical for both men and women. The difference is in how long it takes to reach that level of arousal. Because men often don't know how to help their partners get to that point, it does seem to take longer. Once that's changed, however, men find their partners reach orgasm more quickly and even have multiple orgasms in quick succession.
Myth 3: Women should only reach orgasm through vaginal intercourse.
This is definitely not true but it's a myth that has caused us to take women's sexual needs for granted for a long time. This myth actually started with Sigmund Freud, the developer of psychoanalysis, who had recognized that women could easily reach orgasm through clitoral stimulation. Freud dismissed this type of stimulation as juvenile and believed it was important for women to become more sexually mature by focusing only on vaginal stimulation to reach orgasms.
The problem is that the vagina was not designed for orgasms. It does not have the concentrated nerve endings that one finds in the clitoris or in the head of a penis, for example.
As a result of Freud's determination, women who could not reach orgasm through vaginal intercourse were considered to have some type of psychological impairment. All sorts of methods were devised in an attempt to “liberate” women from their reliance on the clitoris for sexual pleasure. Only in recent decades has society begun talking openly about the women's right to enjoy sex and to reach orgasm in whatever manner worked for her.
Myth 4: Only women fake orgasms.
Even though this book is about female orgasms, I think its important for both men and women to realize that orgasms are not going to happen during every sexual encounter. About one-fifth of men admitted that they have faked an orgasm with a partner. Their reasons for faking are the same as women's: they don't want their partners to be disappointed. Orgasms don't always come easily in a partnership. Sure, when we masturbate we can probably get off every time because we know our bodies and we know what works. Our sexual partners have to learn these things over time and, most importantly, with our help. Again, faking orgasms is not the answer for either sex. It just complicates the issue and prevents both partners from having a truly fulfilling sexual encounter.
Myth 5: Men just care about their own pleasure, not their partner's.
This myth was probably true at some point in the past but today more men are worried about their role as lovers and want to give their partners a great experience just as much, or even more, than they want to have a great experience.
The reason this myth persists is the same reason I wrote this book. Men don't understand how female orgasms work or how to achieve them. They don't learn it in sex education classes, and most of their fathers wouldn't be able to tell them even if they did ask.
What makes this worse is that many women feel that men should instinctively know how to get them off. That's just not the way it works. For one, each woman's body is different so what worked with one partner may not work with another.
Each partner needs to communicate with the other person about what feels good and what helps them achieve orgasm. In an honest, caring relationship, these types of communications should be able to take place.
What You Should Remember
Remember as you move into the following topics that much of what you may have known about female orgasms is not true. Only once you move beyond these myths will you truly be able to reach that level yourself or help your partner reach that level.
The most important first step you and your partner must make is to have open communication about your sexual relationship. We'll talk about this more later in the book but keep in mind that good sex does not begin in the bedroom. It begins with talking, getting to know one another, developing trust, and feeling comfortable enough to be completely open with the other person. Truly amazing sex is not possible without these ingredients.